After reading this, you’ll wonder why you’ll wonder why you ever even bothered going to the supermarket before at all! 🙂
Published on September 20th, 2013 | by James Schlarmann
The House Republicans Present: 5 Ways To Get By With Less Food
On Thursday, House Republicans finally saw their wet dream become reality — they narrowly passed on a 217-210 vote a farm bill that gutted $40 billion from the food stamps program. Nothing makes Republicans more giddy than fucking over their own constituents. Considering that the districts with the largest number of food stamps recipients are held by the very men and women trying to take their food assistance away, you can absolutely, positively count on voters in those districts…to do absolutely, positively nothing about it and re-elect the same sociopaths who as Rep. Jackie Speier perfectly pointed out in her speech on the floor are taking lavish, international “official business” trips on the taxpayer’s dime.
But fear not! As part of their plan to make poor and hungry people’s lives better by taking away the paltry assistance we give them to buy food, House Republicans have put together a five-point plan to help everyone get by with a little less food. They wanted to call it “5 Ways To Avoid Eating Like a Dirty, Communist Taker,” but opted instead for the more benign “5 Ways To Get By With Less Food.”
We present to you now,
The House GOP’s 5 Ways To Get By With Less Food
#5. Exteme Makeover — Starvation Style
C’mon, so your cupboards will be a little bit more bare this winter. So your stomach might growl incessantly. Just think of all that weight you’re going to lose! Don’t think of this as Congress making a draconian cut to a benefit you need to survive while they eat, drink and get medical attention from the same taxpayers they claim they’re defending by starving you! Think of this as a government-sponsored Extreme Make Over! You’re going to look trim and svelte, or at the very least emaciated and weak. You’re welcome!
#4. Share Your Food With Your Pets!
Maybe instead of worrying about how to pay for your food and your dog’s food, just pool resources! After all, we Republicans have long-held the belief that Granny and Gramps could do jus fine with a little less Social Security and a lot more Meow Mix. So why not get started now, while you’re still young? We don’t plan to have Social Security for you lot anyway, so the sooner you get used to the subtle dance that puppy chow does on your taste buds the better.